Third Shift Widow

Being a third shift widow has taken a lot of getting used to.

Every night, I breathe a sigh of relief when Brett leaves at 9:30 p.m. Not because I don’t want to be with him, but because then I don’t feel bad about holing up in the study to work on my novel. Since we don’t see each other that much during the week, I try to hang out with him (unless he’s sleeping of course) when he is home.

The problem arises mostly because I am a morning person. My creative flower blooms early. It’s a lot harder for me to be creative at 9:30 at night. So, many nights, I give in and try to read in bed. But then it’s too quiet. I hear every noise and curse my vivid imagination that has masked men violating the sanctity of my home.

Although, I suppose you would have to be a pretty stupid burglar to break into our house. For one thing, Brett’s big old size 16 shoes are in front of both doors. That alone should scare your average burglar. And of course, we have Brett’s personal gun collection which should forewarn the burglar that we take our freedom to bear arms quite literally.

And should the burglar get as far as my room, I have a gun. Okay, okay, so it’s not a REAL gun, but it’s a very cleverly crafted fake one Brett bought for me to use as a scare tactic. It was the only thing I could persuade him to do when he did want to buy me a real one. All the real ones are locked away in a very secure gun safe. The ammunition is also locked away in a completely different secure safe. So, if I DID need to use a real one, I would have no idea on how to do it. So, I just plan to wave the fake one around. Okay, not really, but it gives me a much more tangible feeling of security.

So, reading doesn’t work. So, I turn on the TV for company. I’ve been watching a lot of late night television. Mostly comedies on the WB like Scrubs, King of the Hill, and Still Standing. Actually, I was watching Sex and the City (I know, I know) until I started liking it, and Mom pointed out to me that it’s a BAD SHOW, no matter how late it is.

And, like you had to ask, of course I sleep with two lights on – one in the closet and one in the bathroom. I also have a flashlight and Brett’s day-glow hunting lantern - which glows like the sun – in case of a power outage. I also leave my cell phone on all night – first, in case there is a power outage, and secondly, so I’ll be able to call 911 when the gunmen cut the phone lines.

My flashlight is a Maglite with a very heavy base, so I can use it as a club if I have to fight my way out. I also have our emergency fire ladder ready in case I have to break a window and escape in case of fire, or (yet again) the gunmen. The bunny carriers are also cleaned and ready to go, in case I need to take them with me during my escape. Of course, I have my two fire extinguishers ready in case of a freak blaze (all the fire safety precautions come courtesy of my brother-in-law, the firefighter, who manages to tell me a scary house fire story every time I see him).

I guess I’m prepared as I can be for just about anything.

So, if you are ever out late and want to stop by – I’d recommend you call first. If not, I can’t guarantee I won’t knock you out with my fake gun, club you with my flashlight, call 911 on you, and spray you with my fire extinguisher, before realizing it’s you!