Today, I was all set to write a *bitter diatribe about the many things I don’t like about some pastors or some people in the ministry. However, that was obviously not God’s plan, since the two pastors who I do trust have both really come through for me in the last two days. I think God was trying to prove a point. So, I’m not going to “go off” on pastors as originally planned.
Well, not totally.
First off, I’d like to say that my cousin Aaron, who is a pastor, was the one who made me realize I had a “problem” when it came to pastors. He said, “Look, I’m your family, and I know that you love me, but when you talk about how much you dislike pastors, I almost feel like my job is more important to you than me. Like you hate me, or something, for being a pastor.”
Since I don’t hate him (at all), those words really made me stop and think.
I’ve had to work through some deep seated resentment due to a bad “pastor” experience when I was a teenager (see above post). So, I’m sure my opinions on pastors are colored a little negatively by that. However, through the years, I do believe I have drawn some valid observations about mismanagement of the “pastor” position and experience. Let me say, right up front, that these do not apply to every pastor. These are just “general” observations drawn over the course of the 28 years I’ve spent in church.
Observations:
There were a lot of girls in high school and college who believed they were “called” to be pastors’ wives. They had been told this was a valid “calling” (oh, how I hate that word!) ever since they were small. I personally remember sitting in my sixth grade Sunday School class as the teacher told the boys they could grow up and serve God as pastors and missionaries. He then turned to us girls and said we could also grow up and serve God as pastors’ wives or missionaries’ wives.
I remember thinking, “Well, whoopee. That lets me out. I obviously can’t serve God if I don’t get married.”
And since I knew that wasn’t going to happen, I felt as through I would be permanently disqualified from serving God. I also drew the faulty conclusion that God obviously loved boys more than girls. I hung on to that until college when a marvelous class and a fabulous female teacher opened my eyes to God’s love for me AS HIS CHILD.
Sorry, I got off track there. Back to those girls.
So anyway, there I was in a gaggle of girls who sincerely believed it was God’s will for them to marry a pastor. I still don’t know how any reasonably intelligent Christian woman could ever fall into this trap. You cannot marry a man’s profession. You can only marry the man.
What happens if you marry a pastor and then, for some reason, he stops being a pastor? Are you no longer in the will of God? How is that possible? You may have done nothing wrong and now you are cast out of God’s will? If your husband is no longer a pastor, and it’s God’s will for you to be married to a pastor, then are you supposed to try to find another pastor to marry? If you believe divorce is wrong, then obviously not.
So, I’ll say it again. You don’t marry a man’s profession. It doesn’t matter what it is. You marry the man. You should be in love with him, his very person, not what he does. His job may (and often does) change. Your love for him shouldn’t.
While I’m on the topic of pastors’ wives, I‘d also like to say that I completely DO NOT understand the process of putting them on a pedestal. Just because they are married to a pastor does not make them qualified to do anything spiritual. Just like being married to a plumber, doesn’t make his wife qualified to fix a toilet. I know as much about running a warehouse as my husband does about public relations. Zip.
I’ve never worshiped any of my pastors’ wives. My own shining example of godly womanhood exists in my mother. As far as my pastors’ wives go, I’ve never had any sort of special relationship. One pastor’s wife wouldn’t even talk to me, unless I had missed church. And even then, it was more of a lecture than a friendly conversation. I tried several times to be friendly to her and received the “brush off” when she saw someone more important she wanted to talk to. So, I gave up.
I also had a horrible time when I attended a ladies retreat. I was brand new to the church. I didn’t even really know anyone. So, I invited my mother and mother-in-law to attend with me. We had a miserable time. No one even talked to us. At dinner, we ended up all by ourselves at a table, and, as people streamed in, no one sat with us. Both my mother and mother-in-law had to comfort me, since I was in tears by the end of the evening.
Off track, yet again. Okay, back to pastors’ wives.
I swear I don’t have a vendetta against them. I’m sure lots of them are very nice. My cousin’s wife is a living example of that. However, I have noticed the inequality. Such as when we throw birthday parties for them or give the pastoral families extra money on special occasions throughout the year. Hey, guess what? My co-workers don’t throw me any special parties. As for the money? Well, all the pastors I know make more money than Brett and I do – combined.
My mother said that things used to be different years ago. Pastors did only make a little money, and there was no health insurance or retirement. But all that has changed. Many pastors today make way more money than the average Joe. Yet, many of them still expect deals when they go to buy a car or get a haircut.
Many pastors claim that they work nights and weekends and even all hours. Well, la, de, da. So do the rest of us. I work nights and weekends too, Bub. But no one hands me an envelope bloated with extra cash at Christmas time.
Perhaps what I have observed most is the misplaced sense of martyrdom that many pastors’ posses. The “woe-is-me, struggling-to-serve-God-in-the-oppressed-world, doing-without” syndrome. Hey, I’ve got news for you, pal! You chose this profession! You walked into it with your eyes wide open. You knew what was coming. So, stop complaining and expecting people to feel sorry for you. YOU decided to DO IT!
My cousin Aaron once asked me what really got under my skin when it came to pastors. I told him, “They expect special treatment just for doing their job.”
And I guess that’s what it really boils down to.
Don’t get me wrong. I adore our current pastor and begrudge him nothing. Mostly, this is because I sincerely believe that he loves his congregation and does pray for each member. I also believe his transparency is real. He is the first pastor I have EVER put any level of real trust in. The first pastor who took the time to get to know me. To help me. To care. To treat me equally.
And I love my cousin Aaron and believe his heart is in the right place for ministry. Although he does, on occasion, enjoy teasing me with sarcasm about how he is just doing his job and not expecting any special treatment. (Much sarcasm applied here!)
There are good pastors out there. Unfortunately, I fear, just not too many.
*That’s NOT a bitter diatribe, you say? Believe it or not, I actually held a lot of stuff back. My favorite being, “But he’s a man of God!”
“Yeah, well, so are all Christian guys. Get over it.”
Oops, I guess I didn’t hold that back, after all.
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