Horrible Hosts

Hello, our names are Brett and Ann-Marie, and...
we are horrible hosts.

No, really, it’s true. We are.

In fact, if you’ve ever been to our home in a “party” setting, you know this. I have been struggling with this issue, since our pastor recently talked about extending the hand of Christian fellowship by inviting other people into your home.

Well, it’s easy for him to say that. He’s married to a woman who is Betty Crocker, Martha Stewart, and Rachel Ray all rolled into one. The woman is a domestic goddess! We were invited to Pastor’s house once, and there was exquisite china, extravagant food, and elegant surroundings. Our house? Not so much.

We don’t try to be bad hosts. But everything goes so horribly wrong; it’s amazing we haven’t killed anybody yet.

Case in point
My high school friend Jennittia, her husband Rodney, and their children were visiting from New Hampshire, and we invited them to come by for dinner. I prepared the meal, and we all sat around waiting for Brett to get home.

Brett had a dentist appoint that was supposed to be just a routine cleaning. Well, as he stumbled in the door, slobbering, mouth full of gauze, and in loopy drug haze, he informed us they’d given him an emergency root canal. He sat down to eat dinner with us. I’m still not sure how Jennittia and Rodney kept their food down - watching Brett slobber over the food, periodically taking his bloody gauze out.

Thoroughly disgusted, I got up to clear the table and promptly fainted flat on the kitchen floor. My blood sugar must have gotten low waiting for Brett to get home. As Jennittia and Rodney gasped and leaped up (I’m told), Brett stared at my unconscious body, and blandly told them, “Don’t worry about her. It happens all the time.” Thanks to his drug-induced stupor, he had no idea what he was saying or what was going on. Finally, Jennittia and Rodney convinced him to get me to the couch until I regained consciousness.

When I did finally regain consciousness, there they all were - Jennittia, Rodney, and their kids staring at me and Brett like circus freaks. By this time, Brett had fallen asleep, snoring loudly, his body resting haphazardly somewhere between the couch and floor.

I apologized profusely, and they were gracious. Jennittia remarked, “What a funny story! Someday, we’ll look back on this and laugh.” But (as I recall) they did leave rather quickly and haven’t been back since.

Now, tell me. Would you want to spend the night with people like that? Well, we’ve had some attempt it.

My cousin Michelle and her three children stayed with us once. The hot water handle on our shower got stuck, and everyone had to take 5 second showers to avoid third degree burns.

My cousin Alex and his family stayed with us, too. I was careless about leaving utensils on our kitchen counters. They finally said something when their one year old daughter proudly carried a butcher knife into the living room.

So, yeah, we’re not so good at being hosts. But we’re nice people. Really. And we won’t let this stop us. We’ll keep trying. But, if you receive an invitation from us, please know you’ll be coming at your own risk. Oh, and if I were you, I’d make sure my tetanus shots were up to date.