I’ve never been a serious person.
Don’t get me wrong. In school, I was hard-working, dedicated, and disciplined. I was an excellent student. But, I’ve always thought that, as a whole, I’m a little more flash than substance.
I suppose it goes with my perpetually sarcastic personality. It’s hard to be serious and sarcastic at the same time.
You know how the Bible talks about how women are supposed to be all sober-minded, sweet, loving, and submissive? Well, I think that those of us who have actual personalities should get extra credit just for trying.
The problem with Biblical womanhood (what a STUPID and overused word!) painted by pastors/churches and whatnot is that THOSE kind of women are, well, boring. I mean, who wants to sit around all the time baking pies, cooing children, cross-stitching samplers, and scrapbooking?
Okay, okay, yes, I know I’m being unfair when I say that.
It’s just that I’m a little jealous of THOSE women who manage to pull it off. You know, those women who actually DO think before they speak? The words are already out of my mouth and on their way to offend someone by the time my brain processes that maybe “overbearing” wasn’t the best descriptive word I could have used.
THOSE women look adoringly at their husbands, instead of mentally calculating exactly how many times he’s promised to take the garbage out and hasn’t yet.
How about THOSE women blessed with the gift of hospitality? With spotless warm and welcoming homes? Gifted chefs?
THOSE women who take charge of their children while their husbands wander around making small talk. Is it wrong for me to think, “Hey, buddy, those kids are 50% yours, too. How about you give her a hand?”
You can see how someone like me might feel overwhelmed. Pressured, even, to be like these women.
The problem is that I’m not. And I haven’t yet reconciled why God might have given me the personality He did, if He expected me to be someone else.
Is it possible to be a godly woman who doesn’t like to cook, hates to clean, and is not overly fond of other people’s children? Is it? I don’t know.
Faced with overwhelming insecurities, I have at times tried to emulate these particular characteristics. I do cook, and my husband swears it’s delicious. But I don’t cook on regular basis. And I don’t want to. I clean, too, regularly, but I spend the whole time muttering under my breath. And kids? Well, let’s just say that I’d rather wait and learn on my own kid before I’m wiping noses and changing diapers.
The question plagues me on a regular basis. Is there a model of Biblical womanhood (ugh!) that fits someone like me? Or do I have to change into a sunbonnet-wearing Laura Ingalls to be a godly woman? Do I have to start churning my own butter? Making dinner every night? Cleaning once a week? Volunteering in the church nursery?
Besides the butter churning, I’ve tried all that. And all I have left is a vague unsatisfied feeling.
When do I feel satisfied? When do I feel my best? When I’m having morning devotions, cuddled up in bed, with a cup of steaming hot green tea. When I’m at work on the phone with press, networking, witnessing to my co-workers, and helping girls to develop courage, confidence and character. When Brett and I are snuggled on the couch watching Star Wars eating frozen pizza. Going with my friends to a movie and pigging out on popcorn and sodas.
Talking about spiritual things with my Christian friends is a blessing, and it’s nice to know they’re not perfect either. They get frustrated, too.
All these years, I’ve fought to go against the grain. From Grandma’s Attic to Donna Reed, I’ve wanted to see women who were educated, intelligent, and thoughtful using those gifts in atypical ways to serve God. To serve Him creatively, outside the comfortable confines of the kitchen and nursery.
Is that wrong? Maybe it is. I don’t know.
I read a book by Elisabeth Elliot once. I didn’t like it. In fact, she was one of the people who perpetuated the idea in my mind that God loves men more than women. Now, I know she’s a great woman of faith, far more godly than I can ever hope to be. All I’m saying is that it’s really hard to be someone like me and still pursue the “ideals” of being the person God wants me to be – if He wants a Laura Ingalls-type, that is.
That’s right. I said “person.” That’s WHY I don’t like MANHOOD or WOMANHOOD. I know they’re necessary terms, but I always like to be a person first before God.
As you can tell, this is something I have been struggling with for a long time. And I’m sure I’ll keep struggling to find the right path God wants me to be on. But I can tell you one thing.
I’m drawing the line at wearing a sunbonnet.
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