A Stranger in the Room

Sometimes I dread going to church.

Lately, our pastor has been talking about how the true mark of a Christian is how he/she desires godly fellowship within the body of believers – the local church. So, in my daily prayers, I’ve been asking God to cultivate that desire.

The thing is - I know this church is where I’m supposed to be. The preaching is phenomenal. The people are warm and welcoming. There are no cliques. Seriously. It’s a great place.

So how is it that no one talks to me?

Okay, so they talk to me. Hello. How are you? That’s nice. And on to the next person. I’m not saying they’re fake. No, they are undoubtedly the most genuine people I have ever met.

I just can’t seem to make friends with anyone.

At Windsor, I had a wide circle of friends – young and old. Coming in those doors was a rush of relief. I knew everybody and would swing by their pews to get caught up on their lives.

Today we had a fifth Sunday fellowship I knew nothing about. When we went down after the service to wait for the meal, no one talked to me. All the women were (where else?) in the kitchen. Since I knew nothing about the fellowship, I was all alone with the men and children in the common room.

When someone finally did sit down next to me, I latched on to her like a Titanic survivor to a lifeboat. We had a nice conversation. She and her husband are retired, so I was able to talk about Mom’s recent foray into the realm of AARP.

Why do I want to be liked so badly? I mean, c’mon, you know me! I can handle it. I can tough it out. After all these years, I should be USED to NOT being liked.

But, I guess I’m not.

Every time we are at church, I feel utterly alone. You know how I always say that Brett is the “dependent” one in our relationship? Well, when it comes to church, I’m the one that follows him around. Because no one talks to me.

And why should they? I don’t have any kids, and I’m not a stay at home mom. During the fellowship today, I was telling someone about all the work I’ve been doing for our recent fundraising breakfast, and I swear her eyes glazed over. Yet, this same person, when Brett talked about his work, seemed downright entranced.

I can’t tell you the many nights I’ve sat in the pew and watched the happy flurry of other women in the church. They spiral around, skirts swaying, getting caught up on little Susie’s new braces, Jimmy’s schoolwork, or the current home school lesson.

I see how happy they are with their friends, and I long to be back at Windsor with people who looked that happy to see ME.

Or I even long to make friends with those same women. I just haven’t, yet.

I’ve been praying. Lord, if it is Your will for me to have friends at Morningstar, please provide them in Your way in Your Time. Help me to show myself friendly.

That’s been my honest heart cry.

Then, of course, I worry about what to talk about. These are not the people to discuss television, movies, or even pop culture events. I hate to break it to you, but that’s my arsenal folks. That’s all I’ve got.

How about books? You ALL know how I feel about THOSE books – my library is bursting with suspense novels, thrillers, and sci-fi adventure. What do I know about Being a Better Wife and Mother?

Could they like me for who I am? I fear I am too worldly. Maybe I am. Maybe THAT’S what I should be looking at?

But if so, how come all the people at Windsor liked me?

I know this isn’t a very cheery post. But I just had to write it to the friends I DO have out there. You guys like me, right? You’d talk to me, wouldn’t you?

Anyway, I guess what I’m really saying is…if there’s a woman in your church, even if she’s been a member for a while, and she looks lonely – sit down and talk to her. Really talk to her.

Maybe all she needs is to know someone might want to be her friend.