Getting The Look

Well, I’ve come full circle.

Last night was our After Hours fundraising event. Everything went smoothly, and I had a great time. We’ll find out this morning how much money we raised.

But, as we were setting up for the event in the early afternoon, I had a flashback to my youth. I was, once again, given The Look.

What “look,” you may ask? The Look! The Look I received all through middle school and high school – The Omigosh-Are-You-Ever-Fat! Judgmental Look. It has been a long time since I’ve received The Look, so it startled me.

The Look was delivered by the little-bitty-female whose company was in charge of catering our event. I saw The Look in her eyes, and then the way she spoke to me – like I was a second class citizen.

Now, there was a time when I wouldn’t have blinked an eye at The Look.

I expected The Look while I was in school – after all, I was dealing with kids a whole lot less mature than me. But now that I’m an adult? I’ve rarely received The Look. Oh, I’ve still seen the shadow of The Look in some people’s eyes. Growing up as a fat kid, you are very perceptive at reading people. You know instantly what kind of acceptance level you are dealing with.

I think of myself as a pretty good judge of character (who doesn’t, I suppose?), but I can catch The Look in a heartbeat, and it instantly changes how I "look" at that person.

I’ve always thought that people who give me The Look (and the condescending, dismissive tone that comes with it) are just immature people who’ve never grown up. In this instance, our caterer was from the South, and I know that down there, people with weight problems are judged very harshly – especially overweight women.

People who give The Look, I assume, have never had a weight problem (obviously) and probably have never had any real problems of note. Otherwise, of course, they wouldn’t know how to give The Look – having been on the other end of it automatically disqualifies you from ever giving The Look yourself.

Between my sophomore year in high school and my first year of college, I lost over 100 pounds, thanks to Weight Watchers. When I got to college, no one knew the fat girl I’d been. Oh, but I did!

I distinctly remember sitting with a group of people for lunch. One of them started talking about a fat girl at another table. The others joined in – mocking her and whispering loud enough, so that she eventually looked up. Fury bubbled up deep within me.

I got up from the table to leave. One of the people asked me why I was leaving. I said, “A year ago, that girl was me. If you would have talked about me like that, if you would make fun of anyone like that, I don’t want to be your friend.” And I stormed off.

I couldn’t believe I had just been with people who gave The Look without a second thought!

Mostly, I see The Look in men’s eyes, but sometimes (like last night) it comes from a woman. I’ve been given The Look so many times, you would think the sting would fade, but it doesn’t. The Look still hurts every time.

It’s like someone plunges a sword into your self-esteem. Most overweight people know they’re overweight. And I can’t say I’ve met many of us who wouldn’t like to be thinner. And a lot of us keep trying. But The Look judges us in an instant – it says, “I can’t believe you’ve allowed yourself to become so fat!” As though we’ve gained all our weight in our last five meals.

We don’t want to be this way. Many of us eat the exact same foods and portions as others, but our darned efficient metabolism just takes its sweet time. But then again, people who give The Look wouldn’t know that, would they?

So last night I dealt with The Look the best I could. My high school English teacher, Mr. Wolf, once said that when someone stabs you – you have two options. You can keep pushing the knife in, keeping the wound open, and complain about the stabbing, or you can pull the knife out, go through the healing process, and have a slight scar.

So, I pulled the knife out and threw it away.

Then, I gave the caterer a whole other kind of look – one that said, “Guess who’s in charge of choosing the caterer for our next event? Guess who won’t be getting the job?”

Sometime, when dealing with The Look, it’s nice to be an adult!