Smuggling Babies

Well, I switched deodorants, and I’m not at all sure I made the right decision.

When I was in elementary school (you read that right), I discovered I had all sorts of problems other kids didn’t seem to have. For one thing, my feet smelled awful. Secondly, I knew I needed deodorant before anyone else. I was never sure if these problems stemmed from being an overweight child, or if I am just from a smelly family.

Either way, Mom and I tried all sorts of foot powder before settling on Gold Bond. If you’ve ever wondered whether it’s fun shopping for foot powder with your mom when you’re eight – it’s not.

Actually, I’m not so sure that would be fun at any age.

I still remember sprinkling a thin layer of Gold Bond into my shoes and praying to God the teacher wouldn’t ask us to take off our shoes. Once or twice, the teacher DID ask, and my classmates were treated to a fluffy white plume of powder with my every step.

How I managed to dodge a humiliating nickname I’ll never know.

The search for deodorant was even harder. We tried every brand – and STILL I managed to soak through just about every garment in my second-grade wardrobe.

I grew up convinced my DNA held extra sweat glands.

We tried Secret (psst..it didn’t work), Sure (didn’t dare raise my hand), and Degree (turning the heat up just made me sweat more). In a last ditch effort, we tried Lady Mitchum (Slogan: So effective you could skip a day!).

Success! Although I didn’t dare skip a day, Lady Mitchum worked. My wardrobe was saved, and I was finally able to worry exclusively about my feet.

The smelly feet problem eventually went away, little by little over the years, and today I’m as normal as the next girl when it comes to feet.

Out of abject gratefulness, I’ve never strayed from using Lady Mitchum deodorant, Spring Glade scent. But, the other day during a trip to Wal-Mart, I couldn’t find Spring Glade scent, so I had to go with Lady Mitchum, Powder Fresh scent.

Powder Fresh sounds nice, doesn’t it? Sort of like a sweet-smelling baby fresh from a bath? Well that’s EXACTLY what it smells like. And it’s not pleasant.

I mean, clean-smelling babies are pleasant, of course, but when there are no babies, a powder scent is disorienting. Every time I lift my arms, I think, “Who left a baby in here?” Then, I realize it’s me, and quickly clamp those arms to my side.

Every time I reach for something, it smells like I’m trying to smuggle babies out under my arms.

The other day, someone in my office remarked how, “It’s starting to smell like a nursery in here. Do you smell it?”

I, of course, lied. “No. I think it smells like spring. A spring glade, in fact.”

I walked quickly back to my office, leaving my co-worker sniffing the air and asking other people if they’d accidentally brought in a diaper bag.

How embarrassing.

And because I’m cheap, and the deodorant is brand-new, I’ve got another month until I can make an excuse to go buy a new scent.

I’m starting to think that maybe I should go back to using Gold Bond – if it works on feet, why not?!