False Advertising

Strictly, strictly, strictly female post.

Absolutely female.

Last chance to turn back…

And here we go…

I am guilty of false advertising.

I recently went to Lane Bryant in search of a new bra. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I have a very weird bra size. I have a large strap size and a small cup size. My girls have been the same size, since oh, about sixth grade.

The good thing is that I don’t gain or lose weight in that part of my body. The bad thing is that I don’t gain or lose weight in that part of my body.

I think that if I have to be overweight, I should at least be well endowed.

But that hasn’t been the case. I’ve been stuck with my weird little cup size on my not-proportioned body.

Really, I didn’t think about it all that much, because there’s not a lot I can do about it. I’m sure not having surgery, you know?

Anyway, when I was shopping at LB, I found a really nice bra…of course it was in my strap size but not my little ‘ol cup size. The closest bra was an entire cup size larger.

Well, I needed a bra. So I tried it on, and it seemed like it fit fine. I paid for it and went home.

The next day I put it on and then pulled my business top over it – and all of a sudden I was proportional! I looked down into my cleavage to see my peaches snuggled in a wide expanse of cantaloupe-sized space. The bra has a form shape to it, so no one but me knew that cleavage wasn’t really all me.

I was a little embarrassed, since all I really did was buy a bra in the wrong size.

At work, about four people stopped me and asked if I’d cut my hair or something, because, “something’s different about you today.”

Oh, dear. It’s noticeable.

I looked at myself in the mirror at work and saw that my fakery did indeed make me look nicer. I looked completely balanced and supported on top.

Later that night, Brett said, “You look great, babe!” He couldn’t keep his hands off me. I was, like, “Hmm…somebody’s going to be disappointed.”

Today, I stopped a Panera to pick up some bagels for work. This guy I see there ALL THE TIME asked if he could buy me coffee!

Now, I’d like to think he’s been pining after me for a long time and just now worked up the courage to ask me, but I think it was...the new bra! He’s never even looked my way before today.

Embarrassing! And before you ask, I wasn’t wearing my wedding ring, because I lost it (again) (yes, again, and I’ll thank you to stop laughing.)

I turned him down, of course (because ring or no ring, I’m still married, and if he only noticed me for my bra then he’s a sexist anyway).

Later, I went to a meeting where the sales guy stared at my chest for half an hour.

For a woman who’s wanted to be well-endowed for a good portion of her life, I was getting an idea of what real well-endowed women go through every day. At least back when I was a B-cup, men looked at my face (well, when they looked at all).

There are some things I’ve had to get used to, however. So far, I’ve dropped a hot roller (ouch) into my new bra, four pieces of popcorn, and (to my co-worker’s howling delight) my cell phone. While it was ringing.

Uh-huh.

But, you know what? I’m keeping it! After all, it’s cheaper than surgery!