Brett and I are experiencing a time of renewed joy in our marriage. After our spectacularly lousy December, we were both feeling every kind of angry emotion. BUT since we both have the (stupid) inability to STAY upset at one another, we were also just longing for the emotional intimacy we’ve had ever since we met.
Well, somehow – by God’s grace – we seem to have found our way back on the path. The past couple months, and especially the past few weeks have been amazing! It’s like we are totally back in sync again.
We were talking about it last night (since we couldn’t sleep - thanks to the T-storms), and it was so great to just be able to share what was on our hearts and in our thoughts. We’ve actually been laughing at each other (in a wonderfully self-deprecating way) and loving being back on the same wavelength.
I told Brett how I am currently experiencing a rebellion in my heart. I know it is my “inner man” (the old nature) and probably outside forces, too – but I’ve really been struggling lately.
I mean, it’s like God has provided this great job for Brett which has basically changed his entire personality back to the man I originally fell in love with and married. And our marriage is rebounding from a rough patch. And things ARE going really well…so why I am so rebellious in my nature? I should be down on my knees praising God and thanking Him for His amazing provision. I know He has done these things.
So, why I am being rebellious? Why is it taking SO much extra effort for me to have devotions in the morning? Why does the very thought of going to church fill me with anticipated dread? Why do I do things I shouldn’t sometimes? Things I know full well that I shouldn’t.
I don’t know. But it WAS nice to finally talk to Brett about it.
I talked about missing my friends. I miss October’s gentle way of listening to me and reserving judgment. Seeing her again reminded me of why I love being her friend. We rarely agreed (on anything) yet we shared a relationship that was as rich and varied as our personalities.
This is a little shocking, but I think I miss Windsor. I miss going to church and knowing everyone there. I miss the history inside those walls – I grew up there. I miss seeing Dad leading the congregational singing. I miss people wanting to talk to me.
I miss the Windsor women - women my age – heck, of every age - who had active lives outside of the church building. Women who had careers, liked fashion, kept up on current events, read People magazine, understood pop culture, and had actually funny senses of humor. I could communicate with them. It made them entirely human with relatable problems and struggles as Christian women living in the unsaved world.
Don’t get me wrong. I believe God wants us to be at Morningstar. It’s something we both sincerely believe. It’s just that I haven’t yet developed the strong circle of friends I had at Windsor.
I don’t know who would be okay going to a movie, so I don’t ask anyone. Then, if I did, I would be afraid that I’d pick a bad movie, you know?
Also, I’m a “conversation drifter.” I don’t sit down and want to get all into theology and…usually I start talking about something completely different and then end up talking about…not theology. Ha! But, you know, spiritual things, nonetheless.
I don’t know. I just feel adrift spiritually. Like I’m searching for something. It’s like I feel like I’m wasting my life, but I don’t know what to do about it. I work. I volunteer. I go to church. I enjoy family and friends. I have hobbies.
What kind of superstar life am I thinking I’m going to have, you know?
Sure, I haven’t written the great American novel yet, but my life is good, so why do I feel so rebellious? I just don’t know.
Perhaps with time, I will. Still, it’s nice to have Brett back to talk through these things with me.