What the Weasel Wrought
I don’t mean to brag, but I have lost some weight.
As anyone who has tried and successfully lost weight will know, this brings a heady sense of accomplishment and a delusional sense of attraction from the opposite sex.
Or is that just me?
Anyway, I was looking and feeling good when Brett and I went on our Friday night date. Brett decided to take me to…the bookstore.
Now, a bookstore might not be a bad date. If you like bookstores.
Herein lies a fundamental difference between me and the man I married. He loves bookstores – the fresh smell of ink on newly minted pages, bright and shiny book covers, the aggressive eagerness of books seeking owners. He shines with delight over unowned books, pages free from dog ears and suspicious stains.
Brand new, all yours, for only $29.99.
I, on the other hand, am a library lover. I view dog eared pages as recommendations from fellow readers. I see stains in cookbooks as recipe reviews. I like my books with experience. Mostly? I like the fact that they’re free.
I can take them home, read, review, and not spend a penny for the experience. If I check a book out more than four times in a year, I‘ll often decide to purchase it. And I always buy paperback. Books are for reading, in my opinion, and if I can’t read it in the bathtub or while eating a pizza – what’s the use?
But, I acquiesced to my husband’s date night idea, because it also included dinner at my choice of restaurant (I’m nothing if not willing to compromise – at least when I’m hungry).
As soon as we hit Barnes & Noble, my husband scented the air like a hunting dog and galloped down the aisle.
This is the other thing I hate about Brett and bookstores. I always lose him. He’s over in something boring like Finance or Firearms while I’m languishing away in Humor and Health.
What good is date night if you only see each other on the walk back to the car?
I resigned myself to another evening of worthless browsing. I grabbed my pen and paper to write down any interesting tomes for a library search at another time.
On one bottom shelf I found Tori Spelling’s new biography. I was actively scanning and even enjoying when I got the evil eye from teenager.
His raised eyebrow seemed to imply, “You’ve got a whole bookstore, and you’re reading Tori Spelling’s biography. Really! What did you? Just come out of the 90’s?”
I know. But it was a very expressive eyebrow.
Ashamed, I shelved the book and wandered over to the health section. Unaware my undoing loomed even closer.
I browsed for a while and eventually picked up a book on anorexia. Having tried my hand at both bulimia and anorexia and lacking the willpower to follow through on either, I have always been alternately fascinated and horrified by eating disorders.
The book, Thin, featured an emaciated teenager on the front cover. I propped the book open on the shelf and stood there reading for about 5 minutes. Just as I was getting engrossed in the first person accounts, I heard a throat clearing behind me.
A little weasel of a man stood there glaring at me. I guessed from his expression that he was annoyed, so I moved a little to the right, so he could get to the shelf. He continued to glare. So, I moved to the left. Still glaring. Chastened, I clutched my book and shuffled to another section.
He cleared his throat again, shot me another glare, and moved in to examine the shelf.
I stood there, my foot up against a display, and started reading my book. As I read about the disorders, and 82 pound girls who thought they were fat, I started shaking my head. “Um. Wow. Whew!”
I heard another throat clearing. I looked up and saw a very good looking young guy smiling at me. He nodded his head, gave me a terrific smile, and headed down the aisle.
Well, that was a confidence boost for my weight loss right there. I grinned to myself and went back to my book.
A few second later, I saw two guys looking at me. Both were smiling and nodding. Exuding confidence, I nodded back.
I thought, “Too bad I still don’t have my wedding ring. Talk about breaking hearts!”
I was on page 45 when I saw another guy give me smile, and I felt a little tingle go up my spine.
Now, I knew I lost a little weight…but this kind of attention seemed a little unwarranted.
I looked over at the guy and saw his gaze was fixed above my head. He dropped his eyes to me, gave a little laugh, and walked away.
Slowly, I turned around. And, for the first time, I noticed the display under which I had staked my claim. Right above my head, giant words proclaimed “SEX AND YOU! 101 EXCITING NEW POSITIONS!”
That’s right. I was standing smack-dab in the middle of the SEX section, holding a giant book with a skinny girl on the front, uttering words like, “Wow!” “Whew!” and “Oh, Boy!”
My backdrop the whole time had been books on positions, the karma sutra, and how to keep a man satisfied in bed.
I was embarrassed to death, now that all those smiles and head nods became painfully obvious! I shelved the book and headed to the b-o-r-i-n-g Finance section to tell my husband.
He was very sympathetic, even telling me he was sure it was ME who received all the smiles, not the suggestive reading materials.
On our way out, I asked him if he wanted to buy the book I’d been unknowingly advertising.
“I thought you didn’t like to buy books,” he said.
“Um, well, that’s definitely NOT the kind I’d ever check out of a library.” I assured him.
I don’t need my books to be THAT experienced!