Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Good News. But Not That.

When you have been trying to have a baby (like we have for four years and counting), you can never call someone up and say, “Guess what?” Because they will always gulp in a breath of air and bellow out in squeals and giggles “YOU’RE PREGNANT!!!”

Everyone is always so excited, and though they never say it, you can almost hear their thoughts. “Well, thank goodness! I thought it would never happen!” “Finally” “I just knew it would work out.”

And, of course, you are left to deflate the pregnancy balloon.

“Well, no, actually I was just going to tell you that I up found that dollar I was looking for in my fat pants. But, hey, yeah, the pregnancy thing would be good, too. Um, yeah, I gotta go.”

The other day I called Mom up to let her know her Girl Scout Cookies were in, and (stupid me) said, “Guess what?” in an excited tone of voice. I happen to think the chocolaty, minty goodness of Thin Mints CALLS for a little excitement.

Mom proclaimed, “YOU’RE PREGNANT!!!”

Yeah, not so much, Mom. Even the deliciousness of Girl Scout Cookies can’t match up to the hope other people may have that you’re pregnant.

I told her that her Girl Scout Cookies were in, and assured her that if I was, indeed, pregnant, I probably wouldn’t call her from work in the middle of the day to tell her.

Once, I set my cousin Candice up a blind date with a HOT guy Brett and I know. When I called to tell her I had good news, she jumped into the “You’re pregnant!” boat.

No, but there IS this hot guy…

See, the thing is that I’m really okay with not being pregnant yet. Yes, I’d like for it to happen, but I’m really honestly okay with it. I don’t stress out about it anymore. I don’t really even think about it all that often.

But, even with the not thinking about it, I still have the possibility in the back of my mind that I MAY be infertile and may just have to accept that lifestyle. So, while I don’t actively think about it, there are times it pops up to remind me that I am (may be, anyway) a failure when it comes to having kids.

There are these parking spots right in front of our local grocery store that are reserved for “New and Expectant Mothers.” And every time Brett and I would pull into the parking lot, he would jokingly say, “Hey. Are you pregnant? We could park there!”

The first time I laughed, although I didn’t think it was that funny, seeing as how I may never be able to park there. But Brett just thought it was SO funny that he would say it almost every time we went grocery shopping. I finally asked him to stop. I told him that it made me feel bad, like a failure. He said he had only been joking, and I told him I knew that, it was just the way it was.

If we’re supposed to have children, I have the utmost faith in God that He will provide them in His time and His way. I know that.

I just wish other people did, too.

I also wish they’d put a parking space sign up that said, “Hey, you may be infertile, and that’s probably pretty tough, so you can park here as a consolation.”


Anonymous said...

I feel for you... not that I can relate truly and I won't pretend to, but I do feel for the delicacy of your situation. On the one hand, how nice that everyone is expecting you to be pregnant imminently... on the other, is that all they think about? I wonder if I've made people feel that they are failures because things they have no true control over aren't happening... huh. I'm also glad to hear that you are able to be objective. And, now pay attention, not having children does not mean that you have failed as a mother type. The lady who watches my kids for me has wanted to have kids for beyond 10 years now. She has no hope of ever giving birth to her own.... She is a very high quality "mother" to all of mine, plus her adopted teenager and her half dozen pets. I know you are a wonderful mother and you don't need to have kids to prove it! You just be you!

Heidi said...

I personally think those parking spots are great, except that the only grocery store that I know of is the Logli on Charles. They only have 2 and they are always both full (when I go there which is not often). I think Woodmans needs to get a few of those.
Keep the positive attitude as God knows your future and has a timetable for everything.
Remember, that there are lots of kids that need to be adopted as well and maybe God has that plan for you someday.