I had big plans for tonight. I was going to come home, put my Fall decorations away, and start cleaning, before I put my Winter decorations up.
Usually, I’m on top of the game when it comes to getting ready for Christmas. I put everything up the weekend after Thanksgiving like clockwork. But this year the time just seemed to get away from me.
Part of it involved a couple days of deep depression. I used to think that my depression was from my dad’s side of the family. My dad’s older brother, Phil, was clinically depressed and committed suicide at 21. But, after reading some of my cousins’ blogs, I think I might be cursed on both sides.
Much of my depression had to do with the Holy Spirit. I was being convicted. And I knew it. I have this all-too-human tendency to try to hold on to my worldly desires. I have a really hard time letting them go, even when it becomes painfully obvious it is exactly what God wants me to do.
I had been consumed by conviction and depressed because the last thing I wanted to let go were my earthly pleasures. Nothing was necessarily wrong with these pleasures, they are usually common things like watching TV, but I was being led by the Holy Spirit. My time was God’s time and the things I was doing were not a wise use of that time.
Last night I hit close to rock bottom. I spent most of the night crying, letting go, and asking for forgiveness and guidance. I started reading John Piper’s book When I Don’t Desire God. So far, I’ve enjoyed it, and it helped me get through the night.
As a result, I woke up this morning feeling recharged, refreshed, and most importantly – still redeemed. God’s forgiveness knows no bounds – even the seemingly fathomless bottoms of my wicked heart.
Then, to add even more blessing, I had a good day at work. I managed to overcome the design block I’d been encountering and felt revitalized. I even had more energy.
That’s the problem I battle most days. By the time I get home, I’m too exhausted to DO anything – like cleaning and decorating. But today felt different! I drove home anticipating what I could get done – cleaning and decorating-wise.
Brett was still asleep when I got home. The lights were out in our bedroom, and I hurriedly started to change in the dark, ready to get to work. Then, I heard a sleepy voice.
“Hey, where’re you going?”
My husband may be 37 in real life, but in his heart, he’s eternally 18! Whenever I’m home and in our room, he acts like we’re teenagers who have snuck upstairs to make out. It’s very endearing to be desired by a man with sleep-tousled hair who’s looking at me like I just stepped out of a Victoria Secret catalog (and believe me, I didn’t).
All in all, it wasn’t a hard decision to make. Cleaning or *quality* time with the man I love? Hmmm… So, there went my time and my energy.
I eventually got back downstairs – at 8:00 p.m. The house still isn’t clean and my Christmas decorations aren’t up, but my husband went off to work with a smile on his face.
All in all, a delightful change of plans!