Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Telling on Brett

Since Brett is blissfully unaware of the online world, (I told him MySpace was a feminine hygiene product) I’m dedicating this post to my husband’s very bad day.

We all react differently to stress and difficult situations.

Me? I cry or write witty little commentaries that allow me to vent to the entire world. I try to laugh at life.

Brett, on the other hand, reacts a mite differently.

For instance, when someone cuts me off in traffic, I might get mad, mutter a few choice words, and then wonder how I’m going to parlay it into a blog post.

Brett, on the other hand, will mutter about it for DAYS. He’ll obsess over what the “chick” in the red car was ACTUALLY thinking when she PURPOSELY CUT HIM OFF.

He’ll spout conspiracy theories and try to convince me that the One World Government placed a secret chip in her car that targeted him for death.

(Life is rarely as exciting as it is in Brett’s conspiracy theories. And, frankly, they’re entertaining. Which is why I don’t stop them when I really, really should.)

Succinctly? Brett is not a “sunny side of life” guy.

In fact, with him, the glass is not only half-empty but the sinister politicians in DC probably want him to pay taxes on what little water there is left in the glass.

And that water is, of course, poisoned.

(Yeah, yeah, I know. Not succinct at all. I just like the word succinct.)

Today, I came home after a stress-filled day at work.

The tension was so palpable in the office, someone actually said, “Don’t touch me or look at me.” to someone else. Yeah, NOT all about the love today.

When I got home, I crawled into bed and promptly fell asleep (a luxury of the childless, I know!). When Brett got home, I rolled over. “I had a bad day at work,” I said using my best pouty-lip face.

“Me, too,” he assured me.

Brett ALWAYS has a bad day at work. In the 12 years I’ve known him, he has yet to have a good day. The streak was broken on May 4, 2003, when the day was actually “okay,” but usually it’s “bad” or even worse “don’t ask.”

Truth is, it probably isn’t all that bad. But Brett thinks of life as “if I’m not comfortable and watching TV, I’m being persecuted,” and views “work” accordingly.

“Poor baby,” I said sympathetically. “Anything in particular?”

(Thinking of course, “When are we going to talk about ME?”)

“Yeah, I split my pants today at work.”

“What?!” (I hadn’t been expecting THAT.)

“Yeah, I bent over to get something, and I heard a loud noise. When I stood up, I saw they’d ripped.”

(Note: For those of you who don’t know Brett, his body shape is like a pear balanced on pretzel sticks. Unlike mine, which is a pear balanced on mini-pickles)

“I’m sorry, honey! ~ muffled laughter ~ Did, um, did you have to walk around all day with your underwear showing in the back?”

“Oh, it gets worse.” He held up his jeans, and I saw that they split, not in the back, but straight down either side of his zipper.

That’s right, my husband’s pants split right down the front!

His actual words – “I can’t believe this happens on the one day I wear those red briefs.”

(It’s true – he only owns one pair of red briefs, and he never wears them, but we were behind on laundry.)

Despite my efforts to be sympathetic, I was rolling around on the bed laughing hysterically. At first, he looked annoyed, but eventually he started laughing with me. Within five minutes, he was hooting so hard, he got tears in his eyes.

“Well, Darryl said it was funny,” he said through choking laughter.

“Who’s Darryl?” I asked.

“Oh, he helped me after me pants split.”

“How did he help you?” I inquired.

“See?” Brett lifted his pants up again, and I saw Darryl had helped him by securing the rip with plastic zip ties!

So, instead of showing everyone innocuous red briefs all day, he opted for sharp white plastic sticking out of his crotch.

Now, that’s something I believe even the One World Government couldn’t engineer!


a joyful nusiance said...

I think I laughed to hard I cried on that 1. Thank you for telling us that story!!

psturg said...

thank you for that. I was really having a bad morning and I just wet my pants laughing so hard. The wetness of my pants caused me to jump up out of my desk, and I ripped my pants. How ironic. Where are those zip ties.

mom2mine said...

That is priceless.

maybe you could patent the idea. A pants emergency kit for men. you would make millions.

Heidi said...

I just don't know what to say as I am laughing too hard.
Even the comments were hilarious.
By the way, Fastenal sells black zip ties.

CANDICE said...

I think it's funnier that the guy was putting zip ties on Brett!

Alice said...

This is the funniest ever. (Love the MySpace comment). The only thing that would be funnier would actually have been at Brett's work to here the approach. I mean, how did he even ask Darryl to help him with his pants? And like, was there a think tank process between them that came up with the zip tie solution?

Heidi said...

I noticed the part that it was a man helping him ziptie his pants on the second time reading when I was reading it to my husband (who asked if you had pictures of the jeans), and then saw that Candice caught that too.

Ann-Marie said...

Yeah, I thought it was funny it was a guy who "helped" him, too. And glad - since I'd rather not have a woman doing that! LOL!

The best thing about MySpace is that now Brett doesn't understand what all the fuss is about, and whenever someone wants to talk about their MySpace...he makes an excuse and leaves the room!

I love being married to a technophobe! Maybe I'll become addicted to online gambling!

Jennittia said...

I am laughing so hard I am crying! And the comments are just about as funny. I do feel a bit bad for poor Brett, though. All this at his expense.

Adelia said...

Oh my goodness, thank you for that bit of laughter in my day.

And now I no how you felt. I saw "Brett" on Wendy's page and thought you were describing MY life. And my Brett is oblivious to the online world as well. He doesn't even have an email account...gasp! Alas, he is not a conspiracy theorist! I so enjoyed your post!!

WendyJanelle said...

Isn't A-M hilarious!!! This just has me rolling.
And I thought the same thing-- the guy "helped" him. Ha! In the bathroom? Were the pants removed and handed over a stall door to be fixed, or was he still wearing them? hahahaha
Did he ever stop to think that maybe YOU are in on the conspiracy, neglecting laundry to force him into red boxers? Maybe you caused his jeans to shrink in the wash, too!

Alysa said...

I am laughing OUT LOUD with tears streaming down my face. This was HILARIOUS. Brett is the foder for some wonderful comic relief tonight! I must meet you the next time I come and visit Alice!