Monday, August 24, 2009

Not My Most Refined Post

Note: I did write this on Sunday morning, but Blogger refused to let me post it then. So, here’s my second attempt!

Okay. So here I am at 4:45 a.m. on Sunday morning. Wide awake.

For once, the baby is sleeping peacefully. He’s cozied up next to Brett in the bed – which seems to suit them both very much. I can hardly put Sam in his bassinet before Brett is reaching in to take him out for “snuggle time.”

I have to say I think I am the only one NOT surprised by Brett’s reaction to fatherhood. Anyone who knows Brett knows he is not a fan of kids. I always knew it would be different once it was his own.

I was right. He adores Sam with every fiber of his being. And God knows I’m glad he is so patient. It helps that one of us is.

Sam is very much his daddy’s boy, and I couldn’t be happier. I know he loves me, too, but there is something very moving about watching a father and son bond. Especially when I happen to be head over heels crazy in love with both of them.

Over the past month, I’ve really wanted to blog.

There have been many topics I find myself needing to write about, wanting to explore. So much to say and no time to say it in.

I “knew” about the sleeplessness. At least, I’d heard about it. I had no idea it could be relentlessly exhausting. I know I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again – how do single mothers do it? I am endlessly amazed and impressed with the caliber of these women!

I mean, I have live-in help! I’m on maternity leave, and Brett is unemployed. There are two of us right now with the singular purpose of taking care of a little ten pound human being. And still. There is no time to eat, sleep, organize, and (my life’s breath) WRITE!

I had no idea how much I would mourn the loss of my time. Not that I don’t cherish the time with Sam.

I just miss being able to eat three times a day when I was hungry, as opposed to now, where I have to jam in whatever is available when the baby gives me a break.

My life had changed, as I knew it would. I’m glad, but also still adjusting.

Everything is compounded, of course, by Brett’s unemployment, my looming and possible job loss, our recent move to the apartment, and our race to clean out the house pre-foreclosure notice.

Perhaps the biggest change (aside from the lack of sleep, as that is the ever-present elephant in the room – God knows if there is ever need of evidence that man has indeed “fallen,” the newborn parents’ lack of sleep is rock solid), has been my membership in the circle of moms.

I find myself needing advice, wanting advice, on subjects that would have sent me snoring only a few short months ago.

What’s strangest of all is that – when I ask for advice – I receive it, on a variety of subjects, from wonderful women the world over. I have never been so grateful for the advice of relative strangers. God bless the pea-pickin’ internet.

I am also most appreciative for my cousin Candice who serves as my toll-free number for absurd baby questions.

Case in point, last night I was trying to sort Sam’s clothes. I called Candice, mystified, as to whether “24 months” was the same as “2T.” And what does the “T” mean, anyway? As I rambled on, I found myself peppering my long-suffering cousin with questions about clothes size, babies, and bottles.

Eventually, I just flat-out asked her, “How did you do this?”

She laughed and told me that the key is taking it one day at a time and not giving in to fear. “Every baby is different. You’ll figure it out,” she promised me.

Thanks to her help, I just might.

Speaking of bottles, I have to say my vocabulary has completely changed. Never in my life have I said “nipples” as many times a day as I do now.

My nearly-40-year-old husband still has a 15-year-old reaction to the word. Which leaves me rolling my eyes and asking if and when men ever grow up.

I also use the word “poopy” much more than I ever thought I would. I am not proud of this fact, but I am nothing if not transparent on this blog, and so now you know.

I am no longer ashamed of my “poopy” word usage. There I said it. Do you believe me?

There are so many things I am uncovering about motherhood. Some are hard (constant crying – me and the baby, not knowing what’s wrong, exasperation, and exhaustion), but there are moments.

Like singing my father’s favorite hymns to Sam and watching the wonder and peace move across his face. Seeing Brett lift Sam up for a kiss. Being the only one the baby wants. The joy in my mother’s eyes when she sees “her Sammy.”

Suffice it to say, the one thing I am most aware of is that Sam’s very existence is proof of God. Proof, even, that God answered my specific prayer.

Sometimes it’s easier to remember this than others. When Sam’s crying, and I don’t know why, I find myself praying, “Okay, Lord, this is YOUR child…”

Other times, like when I sing hymns to Sam, the realization that I hold tangible evidence of God’s love for me is overwhelming. And humbling.

I hope to find more time to write and balance it with my new life – with our new life.

Not writing, not blogging, is just not an option. I mean, I have to write.

Anything else would just be…poopy.


Alice said...

The first six to eight weeks is absolutely brutal. It's boot camp. But I never tell first-time pregnant ladies that. That would be mean. :-)

It gets better, I promise.

The Beard Bunch said...

Welcome back to blog land. I missed you :)

Candice is right. Be patient with yourself. Sam won't remember any "poopy" mistake you make.

October said...

I much prefer your new vocab to the a comment you made blog posts back....remember?
Just wait until you find yourself Sam-less for a night out or some other errand. You just might wonder how you ever lived without him.
Sometimes I think I need my kids more than they need me and my inclination to fly anywhere has turned 180 since I have them.
God surely has big lessons to teach you through that little boy.

Sun-Kissed Savages said...

Girl, I remember. And just think: when you have more than one, you can't nap during the day! Yes, women have the amazing ability to persevere, driven by love.

Before long he'll start sleeping for longer stretches, and his naps will become consistent. Really, I promise.

I can almost see your wheels turning and your eyes being opened to motherhood and what it's really about. Life suddenly rotates around the "little person." Everything is about him, because of him, or for him. And rightly so. Each baby is such a miracle!!

Sun-Kissed Savages said...

And I'd do it all again-- yes, even a fifth time!

My Life With Boys said...

I'm SO happy you've joined the mom club! You're doing great! =)

a joyful nusiance said...

Wait till you start commenting on the color and content of the "poopy."

I have missed you as well

Cindy Swanson said...

First of all...he is ADORABLE!!!! I love that picture of him smiling with his eyes closed.

Second of all--all the craziness you're going through right now--this, too, shall pass. And very soon. With every week, you'll be more confident with him, and he will get easier to figure out.

He'll also grow, so he won't need to eat so often. And he'll sleep more.

The day will come when these rough days will only be a fuzzy memory. And you WILL get to write more.

In the meantime, just enjoy...because in two seconds, he'll be 29 years old (like my firstborn Jonathan), and you'll say, "What happened!?!"

Juliet said...

The last line just set me off laughing! I'm still waiting for you to have your own column somewhere, sometime.

And you so right about me loving my Sammy!!