Ducks & Doubts

Wow. I am speechless.

Okay, okay, not really, since we all know that’s simply not possible with the word fountain that is your friend Ann-Marie. But I am so swamped, so overwhelmed with the amount of support and kindness that is pouring in from all sources.

Our long, arduous struggle with infertility seems to have resonated with so many people, and here I was just complaining out loud!

Brett and I just want to thank everyone for your kindness, comments, and prayer. We have appreciated you as you wept with us, and now as you rejoice with us!

I have some strange odds and ends in this post.

First, a miracle that has been in the works for SIX years! My friend (and co-worker at the time) Jill had a baby just a few years after I started working at Girl Scouts. After her pregnancy, she gave me some of her maternity clothes – three casual shirts, two button-down blouses, black sweatpants, khaki pants, and a pair of maternity jeans.

At the time, Jill and I were roughly the same size. The clothes were 1X. Lately, I’ve been wearing 2X clothes, and even though I’d hung out to those maternity clothes for SIX years, I had my doubts that they’d fit. The other day I dug them out from storage in our basement and reluctantly tried the jeans on, and…they’ll fit! There was plenty of room in the legs, although of course, I can’t fill out the front panel yet!

It was a true answer to prayer. Brett and I are very tight financially right now, and the thought of having to drop more money on more clothes made me anxious. Now, at least, I have a pair of jeans! When I get a bit braver, I plan to try on the rest of the clothes.

So, my first “official” request is for maternity clothes donations! If you have any 1-2X maternity clothes that I might borrow, I would be most appreciative! I know it’s a weird size, but it’s what I am, and frankly it’ll be nice to have a reason to be fat(ter).

I went out to dinner with some friends recently when I remarked I just felt so fat (not due to the baby or anything yet, just me). One of my friends said, “Just tell people you’re pregnant. They don’t need to know how far along you are. Just say it’ll be any time now!” I laughed and laughed!

In answer to Wendy’s question, I’ve always thought it would be fun to decorate with ducks! Yellow ducks. It seems so cheerful!

The only exception would be if we know for sure (1% chance) that we were having a girl – and then maybe bunnies. In all the baby decorations we see, bunnies seems to be mostly female-oriented, while ducks are cheerily unisex. And I would hate to give a little boy a complex, you know? We’d want to wait a few years before screwing up the kid on purpose.

But I’m getting ahead of myself, as usual. Right now, if the doctor’s guesstimate is right, on Monday, I’ll be at 10 weeks. That’s not very far, so I need to slow down, I know. So many things can happen, and we’re trying very hard to be obedient to God’s will in our lives. We pray that His will includes a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby, but we are also (as our Pastor always says) trying to hold it all with open hands.

The pregnancy books list all manner of things that can go wrong. I find myself remembering Mom’s physically and emotionally painful miscarriage. My little brother or sister currently resides in heaven, but I worry about my “family history.” The list of worries goes on and on.

But I take comfort in two things. First, something my friend Alice said when I expressed my fears to her.

“Ann-Marie,” she said, as calm as the sea. “Welcome to motherhood. It’s non-stop worry all the time. You’ll worry about the pregnancy. You’ll worry about the delivery. After the baby is born, you’ll worry about SIDS. When they’re in pre-school, you’ll worry about child predators. When they’re in college, you’ll still be worrying. It’s just part of your job from now on.”

I laughed, in relief, her calm assurance reminding me I am not the only person who has ever been pregnant. Pregnancy problems and worries are universal.

The greatest assurance occurred to me only this past week. As I was in bed, rubbing my stomach anxiously, I suddenly felt the peace of God. It was not a peace that said nothing would go wrong, or that everything would be perfect, but it was a peace that clicked in my soul.

This child is not mine. We “tried” to get pregnant for eight years and never could. It was only when God’s timing was right that we were able to conceive. We obviously couldn’t “will” our child into existence, no matter how hard we wanted to. So, the child dwelling inside me is not there because I want it to be (although I do) but because God wants it to be there.

And God takes care of His own, and if He wants it to be there (for as long as He wants it to be there) who am I to worry? If God be for my baby, who can be against it?

So, my prayer continues to be: “Dear Lord, I ask as your child that You would grant me a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I ask that these things would bring honor and glory to You, and if there is another way for You to bring honor and glory to Yourself, I pray Your will be done. Guide me, direct me, and comfort me in Your perfect plan.”

It’s a tough prayer for many reasons, since the last thing I want is to lose this precious cargo, but I know I need to be submissive to God’s will, no matter what it is. It’s a hard thing to pray this sincerely and without fear, so I would ask you pray for me, too. For all three of us, that God would grant us our desire (ye have not, because ye ask not) but that it would also bring honor and glory to God as the end result.

The next big milestone is our ultrasound on January 8 to determine a due date. Please pray for us!