One of my most beloved movies is The Sound of Music.
One of my favorite scenes is when the atypical nun is coming down off the high of singing I Have Confidence in Me. She’s been singing, dancing, and hanging off streetcars for the past few minutes, renewing her vigor, her anticipation, of succeeding at this new challenge in front of her.
You can practically see the wind leave her sails, as the music stops abruptly, and she finds herself staring, open-mouthed, at the monstrous estate of her new employer, surrounded by a high fence.
Her face drops all manner of built-up confidence, as she stares blankly for a minute, before uttering my favorite line in the whole movie.
This is most often how I feel. I have an optimist’s nature and realist’s perspective. So, while I wish my life was a spectacular musical, complete with applause and catchy dance numbers, I know it is not.
I have never fully understood the concept of walking by faith. Perhaps, because I have never had to do it. I have to say – it is terrifying.
I am a “planner” by nature. Not a perfectionist, thank the good Lord, but an organized planner. My whole life has been dictated by a do this and get that mentality. Study in school, get good grades. Obey your parents, receive trust and privileges. Go to college, and get a good job. Get a good job, enjoy profit and security. Etc.
For the first time in my life, I am facing an uncertain future where there is no solid ground. The ground feels mushy and quicksand-y, like if I make the wrong step, everything will come crashing down.
Let’s start of the beginning of the maze, shall we?
My OB has said if I don’t go into labor “naturally” by July 27th, then he will plan to induce on the 27th. This fits in fine with “my plan,” since the 27th is a mere three days before my “official” due date.
However, Brett and I received notice that the foreclosure papers should arrive around July 22nd. We don’t know how long we will be given to vacate our home of the past eight years. We are hoping at least 30 days. However, even at 30 days, we are looking at moving on the cusp of pregnancy or with a newborn in tow.
Of course, this doesn’t even take into consideration, the fact that we have no place to go. I have saved up roughly two months of paid leave, after which time, my company will dissolve, and I will quite possibly be unemployed.
Not knowing (even slightly) what our income will be in the next six months, leaves me in a quandary as to how to look for an apartment. I don’t even know what price range I can look at, since I don’t even know what our income will be.
And, of course, on that same road, I am torn. Do I immediately try to find a new job and leave my newborn? Or do I accept unemployment and stay with my child? Do I look for at-home work that offers no insurance? Or do I bite the bullet and head back out into the world in search of a reasonable paycheck that offers insurance and benefits?
I continue to pray God will guide us in His perfect timing. Knowing full well, that God’s perfect timing is often down-to-the-wire in human terms.
While I wrestle with these issues, I find myself speechless at the blessings God has bestowed. Through a miracle (the only way I can describe it), we have acquired a second car!
I also find myself increasingly grateful God gave me a burst of energy at the beginning of my pregnancy, so I was able to pack up the majority of the house. All we have left to pack now are the baby accoutrements, books, and kitchen cupboards.
The generosity of family, friends, and co-workers, has left me amazed. The sheer volume of baby gifts is pleasantly overwhelming.
And yet, I feel profound sadness as I pack everything up. Wishing I was preparing the baby’s room, instead of simply hoping the baby will have a room.
I feel alone in this drift. Hoping a white knight will ride down the mountain and hand-deliver a solution, and yet knowing my wishful thinking does nothing but bring me down.
I am a woman of action. I want to be proactive, tackle the situation, and beat it into submission of my will.
Of course, unable to do this, I feel weak, stupid, and clumsy. Trusting and praying seem like the coward’s way out.
I know this to be untrue. That trusting and praying and WAITING are the hardest things one must do by faith. But, bear with me, operating without a safety net is new to me. It feels wholly uncomfortable, treacherous, and paralyzing.
I wish I knew the right way to proceed. I wish I had the assurance that everything will work out perfectly. I wish I wasn’t facing uncertainty.
But, as we all know, wishing doesn’t do anybody any good, and it certainly doesn’t solve anything.
So, for now, I’m standing on my tightrope, balancing the best I can, looking heavenward and uttering.
And praying God will deliver some of His Favorite Things.